TRANS WALES TRAILS

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The Best Trail Riding Anywhere

Cwmfforest Survival Guide (CSG) is for amusement value only and must be taken with a large pinch of salt, no offence intended!

Pony Allocation

1. Do not ask for the horse you want.

2. Act nonchalant.

3. Always lie about your weight.

4. Don’t say anything that gives you away when Mike is hovering around.

5. Fill in pink forms on Hello/OK magazines, never directly on the table.

Grooming

6. 4 reasons for grooming:

7. Check for viability

8. Prevent injuries

9. Cosmetic reasons

10. Bond with your horse.

11. Clean up your own manure (preferably before the horse treads in it)

12. No gloves when grooming.

13. Keep one hand on the horse.

14. Don’t pick the horse’s feet out.

Riding

15. No falling off.

16. When vomiting, pretend you’re checking the girth.

17. No natural horsemanship.

18. Don’t let your horse eat the flowers from the dog’s grave at The Farmer’s Arms.

19. Don’t tie Jethro up next to another horse or old biddy’s metro.

20. Shout to stop if you need a wee, drop money or are shutting a gate etc. (horse and rider).

21. Idris won’t wait.

22. Whole ride to cross or start onto road when leader begins - no splitting ride allowed.

Cleaning Tack

23. No lather, it’s not soap, it’s glycerine.

24. Help others, don’t just do your own.

25. No going the other side of the bar, due to risk of dislocating your shoulder.

26. No hats on table.

27. Don’t run up dirty stirrups.

28. Don’t put dirty girths on saddle.

Jacuzzi

29. No farting.

30. Always wash your feet beforehand.

31. Always inform latecomers that you’re in the Jacuzzi when they arrive at 1am.

32. Maximum 4 people.

33. No bottles/glasses.

34. Never go in on your own.

35. BJ= Before Jacuzzi, AJ=After Jacuzzi.

36. Only go in for twenty minutes, do not re-press the button.

37. No Jacuzzi towels on the furniture.

Eating

38. Don’t ask for tomato sauce.

39. Eat everything on your plate.

40. Eating is competitive.

41. Do not tap boiled eggs, slice them.

42. Start with beginners marmalade. If you go advanced before you’re ready, this would appear cocky.

43. Puddings will be soaked in rum.

44. Don’t twist the phallic pepper grinder, just press the end.

45. Don’t sit in the seat at the end or the one next to it.

46. If you have condiments (preferably avoid them), don’t put them on the side of your plate as this is how the companies make their profits.

47. Pate can only be eaten on toast, not bread.

48. Preferably, sit boy girl boy girl.

Conversation

49. Be prepared to get shit.

50. Guests must be prepared to discuss lego cars at length.

51. Don’t do anyone’s head in by asking questions that aren’t important at the time.

52. No seriousity.

53. No business speak.

54. If in doubt, blame on global warming.

Household Etiquette

55. Always watch German TV with zeal.

56. No chocolate spread in the bedroom.

57. If all else fails, use comfrey.

58. Pip & Ellevis not allowed in when dirty.

59. Never change the Bavarian satellite channel.

60. No smoking.

61. Eggs are to be carried only in bowl provided.

62. Never pick up hot plates without a square mat.

63. Guests are not allowed to pick up dirty dishes.

64. Hide all contraceptives.

65. Pip & Ellevis not to be left in at night.

66. Report breakages.

67. No cats to be left in at night.

68. If cats left in, check for cat shit before walking round.

69. Eggs to be dated without month and year.

70. Pip & Ellevis only allowed in sitting room area, NOT the rest of the house.

71. Always replace the bog roll when you finish it.

72. Difficult folk with strange diets always to be referred to as 'vegetarians'.

Drinking

73. You must go to the pub.

74. No going to bed before you’re blotto.

75. Return by witching hour or risk being locked out.

76. No drinking before tea.

77. No swearing in the Castle At All Times.

78. Put milk in the mugs before the hot water.

79. Always use a coaster.

80. Luke warm beer must be complimented.

81. Leave red wine to warm up even if it’s your only bottle, you must wait.

82. Warm the tea pots.

83. Know how many tea bags to use.

General

100. Open gates downhill.

101. Shut doors or tie/lock them open.

102. No tacking up before you’re told.

103. Note the spelling of Cwmfforest.

Extra…

No parking in front of white gate so we can't close it at night.

Always park your car on top car-park

Always use a towel to dry your feet off before stepping onto bath-mat when getting out of bath.

Do not take longer than 38 minutes when in the bathroom.

Never leave your Jesus slippers under somebody-else's bedroom when visiting at night.

No bright colours when riding.

If you have to thunder to the porcelain god please use the brush afterwards...

Only use brush fairy when you understand the lingo...

Do not ask about Whinnied the Purr (RIP...)

More…

'It's mind over matter' - We don't mind and you don't matter

The colonies must learn to speak Queen's English

'Anal' to be referred to as pedantic...

M25 - magnetic road where cars latch on... No internal exits or entrances to London to be allowed

People sitting middle of long dining room table to be in passing position ( salt, pepper, coasters etc)

Never go to Maria's side of the kitchen counter

Breakfast is self-service

Always queue from the right direction for breakfast

Never go to breakfast in Po's!

Never wear a baseball cap at the table

No Coke at breakfast (As above!)

Don't sit in the antique chair where the dog teddy sits (in the kitchen)

Always use a tray

Vegemite vs. Marmite...

Arnica, Arnica, Arnica...

No toast before breakfast - you'll only lose your appetite

Never feed the dogs chocolate biscuits, never feed the dogs!

Always talk in clichés (and preferably get them wrong & mixed up!)

Just nod and smile

Don't tie head-collar / bridle up after use (in BHS way!)

Clean your boots before and after riding

Only 2 persons on bench outside

No smoking - but if you do (outside) put fag buts in copper ashtray at end of wall

No hovering...

Don't shove your tampons down the toilet

Replace lid on Jacuzzi after use...

Stretching Tippy (the cat) is good (like an accordion)

STAFF-SPECIFIC CSG's

Always cut strings at knots

Sweep yard and passage after use

Always think of the 80 : 20 principle

Always tie string together in special way

Reef knot not Granny

Use gloves for washing up

Collect and date eggs with day only (not month or doodles)

Guests not to bring in used crockery / cutlery - but if they do... don't clear clean stuff from the table

CSG's to be updated nightly after the pub

Paul will NOT be told that he's becoming like Mike (even thou he is...)

Any other CSG are welcome, email us with suggestions

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